I Choose the Bear

Cascadia National Park,
Mackayla thought as Jake droned on,
had harboured so much potential
as a weekend destination.
Among other things, the website had promised
breathtaking mountain vistas,
sparkling streams, and a total lack of light pollution
that would give them an unparalleled view
of the Perseid meteor shower.

However, instead of marveling at the natural wonders
of high summer in the Pacific Northwest,
her boyfriend was treating her —
as he so often did these days —
to a lecture on the merits of men.

“I’m just saying,” Jake was saying
with more than a hint of testiness
as they proceeded up the trail,
“you should appreciate what men do
a little more.”

“I do,” Mackayla protested.
After all, he had insisted on carrying
most of their camping equipment.
That was a man’s job, he’d said:
men’s physical strength predisposed them
to these kinds of tasks, and so
he’d taken on the role of packhorse.
Right now, however, given his mood
she wasn’t about to point out
that he could have spared himself
if he’d only accepted her offer
to carry more than her own gear
and a small array of snacks.

At the same time, she had to admit
that his stubbornness had come as a boon.
Having been endowed
with more than her fair share of boobage
meant that she constantly carried
a large load, and quite frankly
she would never say no
to any relief from additional burdens.

Oh! Jake’s monologue had petered out
and he had turned an expectant expression
towards her. Smile and nod, girl!
Smile and nod!

She smiled and nodded.
Apparently, the gesture sufficed.
“Like I said,” he went on,
“I’m a protector. I’ll protect you.
If a bear attacked us,
I’d fight it off.”

Now she couldn’t help but snort.
“A bear? Are you serious?”

“I could take one,” said Jake
with the serene confidence
of a man whose claims have yet to be tested.
“Bring it on.”

Mackayla wrinkled her nose.
Great. Just when she’d managed to stop worrying
about a cougar attack, he had to introduce
a new source of potential panic.
“Are there bears in these woods?”

“Nah, baby.
Hasn’t been a bear around here
for thirty years.”

That was reassuring.
Not reassuring, however,
was the total and sudden absence of birdsong.
The squawking and chattering
that had accompanied them
all the way from the trailhead
had stilled at Jake’s pronouncement.

Now she heard everything else:
the muted softness of each step on the dirt trail,
individual leaves whispering in the wind,
and if she strained her ears,
maybe even the sound of sunlight
as it pierced the trees.

“Jake?” she said.
Her voice wavered.
“What’s that?”

A dark snout had appeared in the bushes.
In quick succession followed
two beady eyes, small fuzzy ears,
and a massive brown furry body.

As individual features,
they provided no cause for concern.
As a whole, they formed a creature
whose existence in these parts
Jake had very recently denied.

Mackayla didn’t move.
Neither did the bear.
Its pink tongue lolled in its mouth,
moving over extremely pointy teeth.

Her breath sawed in and out.
The bear’s eyes seem to flicker
between her and Jake, as if trying to decide
who would make the tastier meal.

“It’s a bear!” shouted Jake,
taking a star turn as Captain Obvious
before belatedly tossing down his pack
and turning tail down the mountainside
at a pace to rival Usain Bolt.

Without thinking,
Mackayla followed suit, shedding her pack
as she rushed back down the trail.
How did Jake do it? The path
was a labyrinth of overgrown tree roots
replete with treachery
for even the most sure-footed.

Right on cue, she went sprawling.
At least her oversized bosom
was good for something.
She could have landed on her face.
Instead, she landed on her chest,
winded but without a broken nose.

As she stood up, though,
her ankle throbbed.
Mackayla swore under her breath.
But there was nothing for it:
she had to keep going.
Wincing, she took a step forward.
At least she’d ditched her pack; if only
she could ditch her boobs.

“Jake!” she screamed. “Jake!”

“Come on, babe! Keep up!”

His voice wafted up from the trees.
She couldn’t even see him.

“Jake!” she cried again,
limping down the trail.
“I need your help!”

Crickets.

Or rather, birdsong.
The melodious chatter
of birds that she couldn’t see,
whose names she didn’t know,
and who could provide her with no help whatsoever
in a face-off against a bear.

She grimaced with every step.
As a soccer player in high school,
she’d had worse sprains, but none of them
had been a matter of life or death.

She clenched her jaw
as she forced one foot in front of the other.
Where was Jake?
Hadn’t he just been saying
that men were protectors and providers
and that all she had to do as his girlfriend
was sit tight and look pretty
while he took on a bear?

Between the pain of every step
and the paranoia that made her jump
at every breath of wind in the trees,
she couldn’t have said
when the realization began to dawn,

but she knew exactly
when it finally rose fully into her consciousness:
Jake didn’t need to outrun the bear.
He only needed to outrun her.

At that moment, something enormous,
furry, and brown rustled out of the trees
and onto the path in front of her.

Her scream stuck in her throat.
Once again, she stared at the bear.
The bear stared back at her.

Altogether too belatedly, she recalled
the rhyme that she’d learned
from a park ranger in third grade.
On a class trip to the Snohanna Wildlife Sanctuary,
Ranger Rhyatt had taught them:

If it’s brown, lie down.
If it’s black, fight back.
If it’s white, say goodnight!

Well, this bear was brown.
She slumped to the ground
and held her breath.

Of course,
her brain would take this opportunity
to remember the story
about that woman in Siberia
who had played dead
only to be eaten alive.

Go away, she willed the bear.
Leave me alone.

Given the snuffling and shuffling
in the vicinity of her feet, however,
mere vibes did not appear to suffice
to chase away large omnivorous mammals.

At that point,
the lack of oxygen caught up with her
and everything went black.

Bob the grizzly bear shook his head
at the woman lying prostrate before him.

She’d fainted
just as he’d emerged from the bushes
to say hello and see
if he could do anything
for that sprained ankle.

He sighed.
If there was one thing
you could trust a human to do,
it was to get themselves into a situation
from which they could not extricate themselves alone

and then to lose their heads completely
when you came over
and offered to help.

He considered the situation.
She wouldn’t walk out today on that ankle.
Maybe not even tomorrow.
Usually, he didn’t like to interfere
in the affairs of humans,
but given the situation, he’d best see
what he could do for her.

He picked up the unconscious woman
and, careful not to jar her ankle,
began to make his way back to the clearing
where he’d spent the previous night.

Mackayla opened her eyes.
She wiggled her fingers
and then her toes.

All right.
So she hadn’t been eaten yet.

But where was she?
The density of trees
that had flanked the trail
seemed to have given way.
Above her, clouds dotted the sky.

She was lying next to a stream
that eddied into a pool just big enough for bathing.
At arm’s length she saw her pack.

Jake must have come back,
chased the bear away,
and then moved her to a campsite
to tend to her ankle!

She heaved a sigh of relief.
He must have gone back to find his own pack
and make sure that the bear was well and truly gone.

Thank goodness!

As apprehension drained away, however,
an overpowering awareness
of the sweat-soaked t-shirt clinging to her chest
took its place. She grimaced, plucking
at the damp cotton.

The swirling water beckoned.
She looked about her and giggled.
Well, she might as well clean herself up
and give Jake a surprise
when he returned.

She undressed, heaving a sigh of relief
as she tossed her t-shirt aside
and unclasped her bra. Her breasts,
freed from confinement,
bounced with unrestricted joy
as she hobbled forward
and ventured into the pool.

Oh, that was wonderful.
The throbbing in her ankle
began to subside in the cool water.
She lay back against the rocks
and splashed her breasts.